Halloween (2007)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: We get the same plot-line as the original, infinitely better version of this movie, 'cept with a) a lot more back-story, and b) a lot of minor, unnecessary changes.

Scariness factor: Infuriating. Because the original scares my f-ing pants off. But this one I found myself ho-humming through. Not once was I white-knuckled like in the original.



Gross-Out Factor: Way more violent than necessary.

Complaints: Oof. Where to even begin? If you're gonna remake a classic movie, a movie that is in the f-ing CANON of most-worshipped horror flicks, then you better do a GOOD stinking job. And this was most definitely not the case. As I've said on several prior occasions, I *WANT* to like Rob Zombie, but dude: for someone who loves horror movies so much, HOW DO YOU NOT GET WHAT MAKES THE GOOD ONES SO VERY VERY GOOD? I mean, this remake seems to have misunderstood EVERY aspect of the first one that makes it scary. For example: Mike Myers wasn't ENORMOUS in the original. He was average-sized. And that's part of what made him scary. He was just like any one of us and yet seemingly INVINCIBLE in his destructive capabilities. Also, the very minor "backstory" we get in the original is also what lends to Mike Myer's spookiness. In the original, we are met with a stereotypical, squeaky-clean type suburban family, so when Mike Myers walks out of the house with a bloody knife in his hand and raises his mask to reveal an adorable little boy, we are SHOCKED and HORRIFIED. The disparity between the quiet, squeaky-clean perfection of suburbia/the picturesque boy, and the horrific events that just transpired is what gives that moment so much punch. In the remake, Mike Myers comes from a home where anyone in their right mind would feel the urge to stab up most of their family. (And a sidenote with regard to that: is it just me, or does anyone else, upon watching a Rob Zombie flick, just feel RIDICULOUSLY bad for the man? I mean, every time I see one, I think to myself, if THIS is how you see families in the real world, you must've had SUCH a terrible childhood. His films (and families) are just so completely inundated with the ugliness of humanity. And that's something that completely turns me off from them as well.) And of course, this movie didn't have ANY scariness propelling it forward. I didn't feel tense the whole time like I do with the original. Also infuriating is that Laurie Strode has been reduced down from a strong female character in the original film, one who is able to take on Mike Myers, rescue the kids she is baby-sitting for, etc., to a screaming, sniveling, helpless female who is barely able to take care of herself. I know at some point someone's gonna read this and think, "You need to just judge the movie as it stands and stop comparing it to the original." But I'm sorry: if you're gonna have the balls to try to take something already near-perfect and think you can make it better, then you DESERVE to be burdened with comparisons.

High Points: Really not much, other than I thought Malcolm McDowell was a good choice to play Sam Loomis, and there were a couple nice shots nuzzled in there. But even with that, I think I'm just grasping at straws.



Overall: SOOOOOO very much not worth your while.

Grade: F