Exorcist: The Beginning
--Reviewed by Lindy Loo
Wow. This truly is the worst movie I've seen in a really long time--it actually gives Van Helsing a run for its money, and we all know how much I loved that movie. If you dig movies in which the holocaust is exploited, numerous children are tortured in various ways, and every tired trick in the horror movie book is used, then this is the movie for you!
Plotline: This is the prequel to the fantastic and classic The Exorcist. Long before having to drive the demon from Regan, Father Merrin finds himself uncovering an old church in East Africa and battling the same bastard demon within its confines. We also finally come to see the wavering faith that drives Merrin in the HUNDRED TIMES BETTER movie afterwards.
Scariness factor: Oh my god. Lemme just tell you: you could watch the original Exorcist over and over every day for a full year, know the whole damn movie inside and out, upside and down, know every thing that's coming and it'd STILL be about a thousand times scarier than this piece of crap.
Originality: *Hork* Where to even start? Lemme just say, this movie pulls the same tired moves as every other really bad horror movie out there. And dammit, it's not allowed, because it's a movie about EXORCISM, not bad guys in crazy masks chasing big-boobed co-eds around campus! I mean, there's a fricking SHOWER scene in this movie where you get to see a bit of side-boob. AND IT'S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BECAUSE IT DOES NOTHING FOR THE FRICKING STORY! I'd be able to justify this gratuitous side-boobishness if this were some sorta not-so-serious slasher film, but this stupid movie is so smitten with itself and takes itself so seriously that it honestly believes that there was some sorta need for such a scene. Also, apparently the devil has nothing better to do than tease people like we used to when we were little--by turning the lights off on them so they're forced to roam around blindly in the dark and then *WHAM* turning them back on! *Wetting myself with memories of such past horrors* I mean, doesn't anybody else think that if they were all powerful and shit, they might make better use of their time, say, torturing people or something? And every twist can be seen from a mile away in this movie. Every fricking twist, lemme tell you. Unless you are blind and deaf and mute. And it is chock full of such original lines as "Evil's inside each of us." And finally, this movie (which is set in East Africa) feels about as authentic in scenery and native-culture as, say, Brendan Fraser and The Mummy. And the CGI scenes are ten times worse--but we'll get to that soon enough. Oh, and *SPOILER ALERT in the closing scene, in which we're supposed to see Father Merrin finding his way back to the religion after passing through a spiritual wasteland, we're given the following stunning dialogue: Random dude: "Goodbye, Mr. Merrin." Merrin: "It's Father Merrin."
Spiritual BURRRRRNNNNNNN!!!!! /END SPOILER
Please, make it stop.
High Points: The scene in which the demon-host spiderwalks along the interior walls of the cave was ALMOST creepy. Until I realized I was just fricking desperate at this point and had the Stay Puff marshmallow man tap-danced across the cave walls, I probably woulda been just as impressed.
Overall: This is, hands-down, one of the worst most lame most terrible most ridiculous most unscary pieces of crap I've seen in a really really really long time. Avoid at all costs.
Labels: F movies