Wicker Man (1973)

When a horror movie begins with a song about "Corn rigs and barley rigs" that sounds like it's sung by an Irish Cat-Stevens-wannabe, you know it can't be good...



--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A policeman travels to Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. On the island, he discovers that the locals have very strange philosophies on life and sex. He begins to speculate that the disappearance is being covered up, so he must delve deeper into the culture to do his police-manly duties.

Scariness factor: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Gross-Out Factor: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Complaints: Oh my god. Where to even begin...
I decided to order this from the library because a) I knew they were going to be remaking it and figured it'd be fun to see the original before seeing the new one, and b) someone actually had this on their list of top 10 horror movies. This someone deserves to have a chainsaw taken to them and their list.

• What the hell is up with all the singing and dancing in this movie? Lemme tell you, singing and dancing does not a scary movie make. Even *if* some of the singing and dancing is done by naked buxxomy chicks. There is a scene about 15 minutes or so into the movie that entails the innkeeper's daughter very nakedly singing and dancing and pounding on the shared wall while in the room adjacent to the policeman, apparently in an attempt to cast a sexual spell over him. You get several shots of her pounding on the wall and singing, all while her buttcheeks jiggle. Perhaps this might fall aptly into the "scariness factor" category, but not for good reasons.


• I have never wanted someone to die so badly as I did the main character of this movie. Granted, I think his annoyingness was intentional and necessary for the plot-outcome, but still. The man wears his police uniform (complete with hat) the whole time he is on the island. He also just walks around barking orders at people and shrieking about how unChristian and pagan they are and how the island is mad for its cultural ways. I seriously wanted to run onscreen, boot his hat off all bullyish, pin him down on the ground, and start flicking his ears really hard while shouting pagan, anti-Christian obscenities.


• The main "bad guy" character wears a big fluffy dickie in one part of the movie. Yes, again--very scary.


• You can see the ending coming from 1,000,000 miles away.


• The Corn Rigs and Barley Rigs song that keeps popping up throughout the movie.


• This song and all the other horrible songs sung in this movie will get stuck in your head, despite their horridness, and you will spend the next few days humming the melody to some of them.

High Points: There is only one. Ok--no, two. A brief image at the end of the film that is startling and haunting, as the crowd reaches the crest of a hill to reveal what lays on the other side. And the only other high point--that they are remaking this film (and will hopefully do a better job with it).



Overall: If you wanna find yourself puzzled and confused and perhaps a bit amused but NEVER EVER remotely scared, this is the movie for you.

Grade: D