Tuesday, June 21, 2005

BloodTide



Endured by: Patrick

Plotline: Neil (played by Martin Kove, known mostly for playing the "Bad Karate Teacher" in the three Karate Kids movies) and his wife Sherry arrive at some part of Greece (whatever part where the Greek men are actually Puerto Rican born Jose Ferrer) to search for his sister. Why? Hell if I know. Anyways, they find her in the alternating company of an Othello quotin', post-Star Wars, *James Earl Jones* and among a group of Nuns, where she is apparently in charge of restoring a painting of St. Michael. Somewhere in this mess, Mr. Jones, looking for what, I'm not sure, releases a ancient sea monster from a nearby underground cave. Needless to say, it starts eating people and the Americans are (rightfully so) blamed.

Scariness factor: I have to give 'Bloodtide' a smidge of credit for really trying to be scary. One scene, in particular, involving Madeline's (Neil's sister) discovery of a secret, ancient painting behind another ancient painting, reeks, atmospherically, of later Exorcist movies. Of course, the whole mood is ruined when the painting turns out to be of a virgin about to give a good olde BJ to some well-endowed Demon-like thing.

Originality: Let me just lay it out: this movie is bad. If it hasn't been done before or since, there's a reason. Many of the sea scenes were reminiscent of 'Jaws' though.

Complaints: Almost too numerous to mention. The fact that Frye (James Earl Jones) seemed to quote Othello in place of actual dialog which would make sense in the context of the conversation, the incongruous brother-sister make out scene near the end, cats being mysteriously tossed into the air and mostly that, though this film is highly sexualized, featuring alot of skimpy bikinis and wet t-shirts, there's like only 0.0000001 seconds of actually boobage. There is alot of man-nipple though (it seems Neil cannot bear to put on a shirt, ever).

High Points: For the brief seconds that you actually see it, the monster does look kind of cool, like a cross between a dragon and a human. James Earl Jones' incessant hamminess is also amusing to watch, at the very least. You also get to see a painting of demon wee-wee, which should amuse the 12 year old in all of us.

Overall: Unless you have some obsession with sea monster movies which lead you to pick up all the Jaws sequels, there's very few things in this movie that will attract you.

Grade: D

Additional Information: When I did a Google Images search, to find the movie poster for this film, for some reason, the search "Bloodtide" pulled up the following image. I, personally, like it way better than the movie, itself. Enjoy!

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3 Comments:

At 9:31 AM, Blogger lindyloo said...

Heh heh heh. I think this truly is THE worst horror movie poster I've EVER seen.

It looks like an ad for a Columbo episode or something.

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Patrick said...

What's funny is that neither of those pictures (of James Earl Jones and Jose Ferrer) on the poster are *from* the actual movie.

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

If only your cg cartoon buddy had James Earl Jones' face. *sigh* We can't have everything, can we?

 

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