The Last Exorcism

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: An evangelical minister who thinks the practice of exorcisms is being misused allows a video crew to film his last exorcism. It's supposed to be a fake exorcism (everyone is aware of this except for the family of the possessed girl) but degrades into something horribly real.



Scariness factor: I don't know if I've just been watching too many horror movies lately and my scariness gauge has been dampened as a result of sheer glut, but I didn't find this as creepy as I thought I would. And I watched it out on my roof, which makes EVERYTHING creepier. And yet still: meh.

Gross-Out Factor: Breaking of fingers, aftermath of knife-slashing. Nothing too horrible.



Complaints: I find myself wanting to use bullets again because there were so many, but I'll see if I can do without. I finally caved and got this dvd at the library because of the cover (which you can see above). I'd seen it there about 337 times but always passed it up because even though the cover looked creepy I'd never heard of it. Really: I should've just trusted my first instinct. The highlight of this movie's creepiness is shown ON the cover. It's all downhill after that. The pacing is terrible. The first half of the movie is boringness and more boringness about the damned minister and what a douchebag he is. Could've easily been condensed down to half its time with just as much effectiveness. The moments of the actual possession are fleeting and really, not all that interesting. There's a creepy moment here or there, but for the amount of non-creepy shit you sit through to get there, it's definitely not worth it. **SPOILER ALERT** The ending is terrible. It's like if Blair Witch Project and Rosemary's Baby had a baby together and the baby ended up NOT being a devil baby and you were kind of just like hey that was disappointing because I thought this was gonna be a devil baby but it's just a regular old baby and I can see one of those anywhere. Also: the ending got ludicrous immediately. Why did they throw their demon baby in the fire? I don't get it. Is the fire supposed to empower demon baby? And don't get me started on the whole handheld camera bullshit. Ok. I love it when it's done well. I really do. I'll even suspend my disbelief when it's done well. But **DOUBLE SPOILER ALERT** when you have a bunch of devil-worshippers chasing you through a forest while you're running with your video camera in hand and then they kill you, don't you think they'd be like, Hey, we just killed some people and shit, and we ripped a devil baby out of a chick's vag, and all of it got caught on camera, so maybe, I mean--just a thought--but MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T LEAVE THE VIDEO CAMERA HERE FOR SOMEONE TO FIND?? In other words: there is no way in hell this supposedly "real" video footage would've ever made it to us--at least in Blair Witch Project and [REC] they make an effort to explain why it would. **END SPOILER AND INCESSANT FURIOUS RAMBLING** Oh wait. One more: why is there suddenly a sparse score midway through the movie with violins trilling creepily and all that? Isn't this supposed to be handheld? COME ON.



High Points: The possessed girl ends up with sweet boots. Really. That's all I can think of.

Overall: Boo hiss. Super lame. Rent The Exorcist. And if you've already seen it, rent it again.

Grade: D-

Devil (2010)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: Five people are trapped in an elevator. One of them is a douchey mattress salesman. But the other just might be... THE DEVIL.



Scariness factor: It wanted really badly to be scary and moody. In fact, the music was so obnoxiously moody with its swells and crescendoes that it almost SEEMED to be scary and moody. But really, when it comes down to it, it somehow managed to miss the boat.

Gross-Out Factor: Mostly just aftermath images. Nothing you'd want your 4-year old to be staring at, but stuff that most adults could handle.

Complaints: Well, I started off with just a couple, but then they multiplied, so let's bullet:

Really, I didn't give a shit about any of the characters. And when the majority of your movie consists of five people in an elevator, this seems kind of important. Otherwise you end up not giving a shit about whether they live or die. Which was definitely the case here.

The acting was pretty terrible.

The premise really lent itself to something that could've been creepy as fuck. And yet, it was surprisingly unscary.

The score was obnoxious and forced. In moments where it was trying to lend tension and drama to the scene, it was so overwhelmingly forced that it actually just ended up making you very aware that there WASN'T enough tension or drama in the scene to warrant the over-the-top music.

And finally, SPOILER ALERT!!!! the ending had a twist way too reminiscent of Saw. I will admit, I didn't see it coming, and it creeped me out for a second, but then I was like: "SAW!!!" /END SPOILER ALERT

High Points: It was mildly creepy. In a "hey let's put this on in the background while we play Scrabble or surf the internet" kind of way.

Overall: Yeah, I was horribly underwhelmed. Like I said, the premise of this is good enough that it could've been creepy as hell. And yet, it never really is.

Grade: D+

Red Riding Hood

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: Little Red Riding Hood is in love with a childhood Twilightesque sweetheart but is going to be betrothed to another. In the meantime, a vicious werewolf is killing off villagers. Love and werewolfiness intersect.



Scariness factor: It takes energy to be scared of a shittily CGI-ed werewolf.

Gross-Out Factor: Someone's hand gets severed. And the werewolf bites people. Also, the movie's PG-13. So: fairly low.



Complaints: Oh, where to start. 1) This should've been called Twilight 4: The Werewolfy version. 2) Amanda Seyfried, does your mouth EVER shut all the way?? 3) World's shittiest CGI-ed werewolf. 4) Why, Gary Oldman, why??? 5) Boring. 6) Why do all the boy villagers have such modern hairstyles? You KNOW that they necessitate gel or pomade or SOMETHING, but where do they manufacture the gel or pomade in such a tiny village???



High Points: Julie Christie is a HOTTIE. Sweet jesus. I never thought I'd be willing to make out with a grandma, but: TOTALLY DOWN. Other than that, there are a few lovely shots. That's about it though.

Overall: So. Boring. Omg. Catherine Hardwicke, how old are you and why are you so obsessed with tales of girls wooing boys who can rip out the girls' throats with their teeth? Dear readers, if you're looking for an awesome feminist werewolf horror flick, then check out Ginger Snaps instead.

Grade: D

Camp Hell

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Pre-emptory Note to the Creators of Camp Hell: Jesse Eisenberg was in this movie for LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES. You are douchebags for putting him on the cover of your dvd and tricking me into watching. DOUCHEBAGS, I SAY.

Plotline: Jesus-freak children gather at their Bible-camp for the summer. One of the sinners attracts the attention of the devil. He also gets his dry-hump on with a girl-camper. Some more jesus-freaky stuff. Jesse Eisenberg for 5 minutes worth of boring. And: the end.

Scariness factor: The only thing scary about this movie was a) Jesse Eisenberg's acting in his five minutes on screen, and b) the fact that there really ARE bible-camps out there in the world that are likely similar to this one, minus the demon-sightings.



Gross-Out Factor: Pool of blood. Twitchy demon face. Another pool of blood. Dead doves.

Complaints: So. Boring. It's sad when the highlight of the film is two teenagers dry-humping in the woods. Also, the film is populated by a lot of grinding/crunchy noises. Because apparently Satan sounds like he's perpetually chewing on Gobstoppers.



High Points:Well let's take a look at the two pics I've posted above. That should explain it for you: boring & more boring. So much jesus-camp, so little demon-scariness.

Overall: Snoozer. Rent Friday the 13th or something if you're looking for delicious camping horror.

Grade: D

Pitch Black

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A space transport-vessel crash-lands on a seemingly deserted planet. The survivors (one of which is an escaped convict with eyes that just happen to be able to conveniently see in the dark) are forced to fight for their lives as the planet slides into darkness and its predators awaken.

Scariness factor: Should've been. But wasn't.



Gross-Out Factor: Ugh--I can't even remember. I don't think it was anything TOO nasty though.

Complaints: SO. BORING. Really. I just didn't find this movie interesting. At all. I mean, the interesting part of the premise (having to fend off predators in the dark) doesn't even begin until halfway through the movie. And Vin Diesel is annoying as FUCK.

High Points: There was like ONE scene where you see the people moving through the pitch black, and when one of them waves a light-source around them, we see the RIDICULOUS number of predators just waiting for them in the dark. THAT was cool. The rest: boo.



Overall: Quite frankly, I thought this was boring and sucked. It could've been an interesting premise. But it wasn't.

Grade: D-

The Fog (1980)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A fog rolls into a small fishing town, but it's no normal fog: something lives within it, and it's killing people.

Scariness factor: *fart*



Gross-Out Factor: *fart*

Complaints: I'm sure I'll get yelled at for saying this, but I have NO clue why this gets such rave reviews from folks. It was incredibly boring. And when I realized within the first fifteen minutes of the movie that [kind of spoiler alert] the spooky things within the fog were vengeful pirates, all I kept saying to myself and N-A the whole rest of the movie was: I cannot believe they expect me to be afraid of ghost pirates. =P [/end spoiler alert] This movie was SO slow, and nothing interesting or spooky ever happens.

High Points: Boo.


(Oooh, glowy-eyed pirates,
so scary! *FART*)

Overall: Again: I'm not sure why this movie is held in such favorable regard by horror fans. It is boring and unscary. I don't recommend. However, I will note that my friend Patrick gave it a much more favorable review when he reviewed this movie for this blog years ago, so go check it out if you want a second opinion.

Grade: D

The Eye (2008)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A woman, blinded in her youth, becomes the recipient of an eye transplant. As her eyes adjust and she begins to see strange things, she must call into question whether they are just a matter of her brain rewiring itself to understand sight or something to be very very afraid of.

Scariness factor: The original: creepy as hell. (Perhaps I will rewatch this season since it looks like I have yet to review it here). This one: not so much.

Gross-Out Factor: Fairly minimal.



Complaints: We get it, Jessica Alba. You are hot. I am not one of those girls who is so insecure that I'm gonna waste my time snarking about you when really, I'm just secretly jealous of your hotness. I don't even LIKE girls in that way, but I will freely admit that if you came onto me on the subway, I would take you back to my place. In a second. You are luscious and divine. Every boy in the world wants to do you. Most girls probably do too, if they'd just be honest with themselves. All that being said and done, this movie read more like a new "Jessica Alba is Hot" sitcom than it did a good creepy horror flick. Oh, look at how cute Jessica Alba is being so extremely normal! There she is, eating ice cream out of a tub, just like a Regular Girl! So endearing! Oh, look at Jessica Alba as THE world's most HOTTEST blind chick you've EVER seen! Oh, look at Jessica Alba in THE most RIDICULOUS gratuitous shower scene you've ever seen! I must pause here, as this one warrants a bit more commentary. I'm an advocate of the gratuitous shower-scene. It is a fun and silly trope of slasher films, the inexplicable and unnecessary footage of some hot chick showering in the middle of the movie. It always makes me grin. BUT THIS IS NOT A SLASHER FILM. This is a film that was TRYING to be all intense and serious. So good god, people: 90 seconds of a) Alba, muted out by the shower door, her curves and flesh still ABUNDANTLY apparent, and then b) Alba toweling herself off and dressing, WITH INEXPLICABLE CLOSE-UPS ON HER TAUT STOMACH AND OTHER SEXY FLESHY PARTS--unnecessary! Honest to god--there was NO REASON to have this scene in there. None. If there were an award for "THE Most Unnecessary and Gratuitous Shower Scene EVER," this would be taking that baby home IMMEDIATELY. Enough about Alba (though clearly this movie is just a vehicle to show her off for 90 minutes). Moving on to OTHER qualities that make this movie one of the most RIDICULOUS remakes of a truly fantastic film... The special fx blow. The creepy shadow people BLOW (I mean, they fricking look like dark versions of those stupid alien designs that were popular in the '90s):



The therapist: WTF?! He is like THE worst therapist EVER. He basically yells at Alba all through the film--good therapy work, buddy! The scary moments weren't scary at all. The credits have some horribly lame 1980s-esque lame-ass song playing over them. OH! And Alba--of course--saves some dude from getting hit by a fricking bus in the first 2 minutes of the movie. Apparently this is to demonstrate how fine-tuned all her other senses are, but COME ON. Seriously??? SERIOUSLY??? OH! SO ANGRY!

High Points: Getting to watch Jessica Alba look hot. And look absolutely amazing in a really pretty yellow dress at the end of the movie. And that's pretty much it.



Overall: Wow. So so so so bad. If I was like the Incredible Hulk of horror films, I would right now be turning green and bulging out of my shirt with furious anger at having my time wasted like this. GO RENT THE ORIGINAL. Really. THAT is a good and creepy flick that will scare your SOCKS off.

Grade: D

Oh, and PS: Just because you're blind doesn't automatically mean you have cloudy eyes, especially when your eyes were functional and not cloudy before. Fucktards.

Jaws 2

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A new, big ol' man-eating shark has appeared in the town of Amity. What will Chief Brody do this time?

Scariness factor: Anticipation is where the scariness rests in this movie (and the original). However, the tense moments are a mere shadow to those in the original Jaws.

Gross-Out Factor: Rather minimal.

Complaints: Okay. So granted, I watched this as aired on television (which included 8 billion shitty commercials for things like a magic sham which I actually thought was bad-ass sweet but is only sold overseas). Anyways, that's typically not the best environment by which to view a movie. However, it's fricking Jaws 2. Which is presumably not the utmost in fine cinema. So I figured it'd be ok. And I don't think it affected it TOO much. Nonetheless: this movie was lame. The first half was boring as three-day-old pisswater. The second half was at least campy and goofybally (think hand-drawn lightning bolts for the electrocution scene). But even then, I was just like, Um, eat them, Jaws. Do it. It'd spice the movie up some. Again: much of this is probably just due to the general failure of sequels. Especially for a sequel to something as fantastic as the original Jaws (which is actually one of my all-time favorite movies--so it's hard not to be uber-critical about the sequel). There's no way you're even gonna come CLOSE to comparing. Plus, they didn't even have Richard Dreyfuss in it. And the rest of the folks in this sequel are fairly personality-less.



High Points: Campy 1980s-ness. But nothing to write home about.

Overall: I don't know--even as a lover of the camp, I was disappointed. Just rent the original. And if you've already seen it, just rent it again.

Grade: D

30 Days of Night

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A small Alaskan town, cut off from from the rest of the state, battens down for the upcoming 30 days of night that strikes Alaska every year. A gang of vampires takes advantage of the lack of sunlight and terrorizes the town.

Scariness factor: Admittedly, it's spooky in a part or two.



Gross-Out Factor: Pretty high in parts, but it's a vampire flick, for pete's sake. So you've gotta expect blood.

Complaints: Where to begin. Why are the vampires there? Where do they come from? Why are they bilingual? Why do they appear to be unable to close their mouths? Why do they eat everybody up so quickly instead of pacing themselves better? Why fear leaving survivors because "people might find out that you really exist" when there's already people that believe in you, and really, how would that knowledge be threatening to the vampire race anyways? Why do they talk so slowly? Seriously. Do you know how long I've been waiting to see this stupid movie because the previews made it look kind of understated and creepy and didn't really SHOW that much of the actual vampires? Quite some time, let me tell you. Needless to say, I was really kind of disappointed. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief about no vampire back-story explaining why they're there IF the movie was creepy enough that it distracted me from this hole in the plot. But it wasn't. (And don't even give me the whole "Well, it explains it in the graphic novel, so you just need to read that first" crappola because A MOVIE SHOULD WORK ON ITS OWN, even if based on a book.) I'm not a fan of Josh Hartnett. I like Ugly-Tooth Outsider in Six Feet Under a whole lot, but his character was *LAME* in here. The lead vampire I found to be alternately very creepy and very annoying. And the acting was no good. And THE FRICKING SNOW looked CGI-ed, for christ's sake.

High Points: The vampires look visually creepy. I kind of liked their weird faces. And I like the PREMISE of the movie: the oddity of Alaska's 30 days of night is worth creating a decent movie around. It's strange and lovely. And definitely vampire worthy. But they most DEFINITELY didn't take advantage of it as much as they could've.



Overall: *Pouting*

Grade: D

The Hills Have Eyes 2

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: Well, since they already sent a family into the middle of the desert to get picked off by folks mutated by nuclear-testing, this time they decide to send the army in. There's not much more to it than that really.

Scariness factor: I dunno--I think it was TRYING to be suspenseful, but it wasn't really.

Gross-Out Factor: Like the first one, it's pretty high in the gore-department.



Complaints: Visually, this movie was very monochromatic. You can tell just from the pictures. And plot-wise, it obviously served no other purpose than to give the filmmakers an excuse to have mutants pick-off people one by one in extremely violent and "innovative" ways. Also, the whole female-soldier deal was lame--not only did we have to sit through the obligatory "female character happens to be the ONLY soldier who strips down to a tank-top and then of course later falls into water so that we get to have wet-t-shirt erotica"-type crap, we also had to sit through one of them getting raped,

High Points: Making fun of this movie. As always, all logic was COMPLETELY absent in this movie, so if nothing else, it was fun to shout at, boo, and make fun of. If you're gonna watch it, definitely watch it with someone else.



Overall: Lame. But perhaps worth watching just to make fun of.

Grade: D+

Creepshow

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A variety of short tales about meteors and their effects, a monster in a box, a man who seeks revenge by burying people in the sand, a father returned from the dead, and cockroaches.



Scariness factor: Man, I loved this comic book when I was little--I found it delightfully horrific. And man, do I love Romero. But MAN was this movie TOTALLY not scary AT ALL.

Gross-Out Factor: Hee hee. Ah. Hee hee.

Complaints: So very very SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, which is even MORE dastardly since they were short pieces, so that alone should've kept the pacing up. Also--Stephen King is the WORST actor in the world. Sweet jesus. And really, none of it was scary.

High Points: Hrm. It made me laugh a few times, it was that lame and slow. And ok--the cockroaches exploding out of the guy and filling the room: that was pretty sweet. That's about it.



Overall: I don't think I care to ever see this again. In fact, if I could go back in time a few days so that I could watch something else in its place, I'd do so. I know it's supposed to be a classic, but hell with that.

(Go check out The Moon is a Dead World for an alternate review later this week)

Grade: D+

Paranoia 1.0

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A reclusive computer-programmer begins to receive empty-packages that show up mysteriously in his apartment with no explanation. As other computer-obsessed folks in his apartment complex start showing up dead, his paranoia gets the best of him (perhaps rightfully so), and he begins to obsess over the origins of the packages and to unwittingly become involved in the deaths of those around him.

Scariness factor: Not so scary at all. Trying to play up the whole paranoia deal, but not very good at it.

Gross-Out Factor: I can't even remember, to be honest, but I think it was pretty tame. Just aftermath bloodiness.



Complaints: It was trying really hard to succeed in being something that it was never going to end up being, and that was "a good movie." This movie really did try to capture a spooky atmosphericness. It also wanted to be brilliant in how it toyed with paranoia in hip new ways by focusing on technology. But it was just dull and uninteresting. And watching the very foxy Jeremy Sisto weep to himself while glitching out and inserting the words "Nature Fresh Milk" into sentences, against his will, was painful and almost laughable to watch. Oh Sisto--just come home with me, and give it up on the horror flicks already. I've got enough money to support both of us (if we just eat humble diets of rice and veggies), and you can just sit around all day being wounded and slightly crazy, and when I come home, I'll make it a habit of mine to either tie you up and have my way with you or just set your head in my lap and pet it while you cry.

High Points: Ummmmm. Hrmmmm. MMMMMM.... Yeah. I think I'm at a loss here. I almost was gonna say the creepy AI baby-head that blurts strange phrases and screams, but no.



Overall: Skip it. It just happened to be at my library and had Sisto in it (who I'm a sucker for ever since I had a dream that he and I worked at McDonalds together and he shagged my brains out against the freezer-door--damn his sexy voice and big brown eyes), so I nabbed it against my better judgment (I mean, you can pretty much rest assured a movie will be bad when it has computer-lingo in the title). Not worth your while.

Grade: D

Black Christmas (2006)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: Every Christmas, the sisters at Alpha Kappa Gamma Sorority wrap a gift up for Billy Lenz, an insane murderer who killed his mom and step father in their sorority house on Christmas day. It's a token offering, to keep the evil spirits at peace. But this year, it's apparently not doing much good, as the sorority girls find out when their sisters begin showing up dead.

Scariness factor: Alas, no good jump-in-your-seat-type moments.

Gross-Out Factor: High on the gross-out scale. The worst moment being when Billy bakes his mothers flesh into X-mas cookies and is dipping them into a glass of milk and chewing on them when the police come. I actually felt my stomach turn on that one.

Complaints: I would like to say that if you could get beyond the fact that the female villain sounded exactly like Chris Farley playing the Gap Girl, you might enjoy this movie. But alas, I cannot. The movie is lame. The acting is lame. It's not scary. It's not campy. It's just excessively gross, and I didn't really care about the sorority girls getting picked off one by one.

High Points: Short of the feelings of nostalgia for Christmas, and the warm memories of Chris Farley that were merely incidental, there's not much I can add to this category.



Overall: Although I'm still interested in seeing the original to compare, I can reassure you that if you go through the rest of your life never having seen this movie, you'll probably be much better off.

Grade: D-

An American Haunting

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: The alleged story of the Bell Witch and a young girl tormented by unseen forces.

Scariness factor: Fah.

Gross-Out Factor: Not super-gross. Though fingernails being dragged across floorboards still grosses me out more than huge bloody messes.

Complaints: Boring. The haunted/possessed idea has been done 15 million times, and it's been done better in various other movies. There wasn't anything really interesting driving this movie along. It seemed moreso like the special-fx were the focal point and the plot-line was just sort of shoddily crafted around them. Not even the acting saved this movie, truth be told. And I even kinda like Sissy Spacek and Donald Sutherland. Oh, and the "framing" technique was lame.



High Points: Quite honestly, this movie just bored me. I can't really thing of anything that I was like "Oh hell yes" about. I've seen worse, but I've also seen much much better.

Overall: Not worth your while. Rent THE EXORCIST or something instead.

Grade: D

Anatomie

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: Franka Potente, a brilliant med-student, begins her stint at an elite medical school. What appear to be strange pranks involving some of the dead bodies soon reveal themselves to have the markings of an old secret society, and a conspiracy ensues.

Scariness factor: Boo.



Gross-Out Factor: It takes place in an anatomy lab, so lots of bodies. And some surgery. And some cutting.

Complaints: So yeah, maybe I should've known that it was gonna be a lame-ass movie based on the tag-line ("The subject is you"), but it had Franka Potente in it, and I heart Franka Potente. So I got sucked into the illusion. But man was this movie boring. It didn't even TRY to make you curious as to who was doing what and why. It just was kinda like "Uh yeah, that's who did it. Uh, yeah, that's why they did it." So basically, there was nothing that was drawing you forwards and compelling you to sit through the whole damn thing. Other than Franka Potente.



High Points: The creepy dead-body exhibits. They were sweet and made me wish I had seen the Body Worlds exhibit while it was in Cleveland. *Sigh*

Overall: I was so extremely bored by this movie that it just didn't seem right that Franka Potente was in it to keep me watching. And it was a German flick, so I thought it would somehow be better. Damnable American-ified Germans!

Grade: D

Videodrome

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A cable tv producer is constantly seeking out the newest most edgy programming for his television station. When he stumbles across a pirate station in which a person is being beaten and tortured, he thinks that perhaps this is something that would get him more viewers. Instead, he ends up stumbling into the world of Videodrome, a world where television and reality become fused in the mind's eye.

Scariness factor: Meh.

Gross-Out Factor: There's a bit of old-school goriness--heads getting smashed in close-ups, gaping wounds that people stick their hands (and vcr tapes) into, etc.



Complaints: Since I really dug The Brood, I decided to order another Cronenberg movie from the library. As always, Cronenberg offers up a horror movie that is a bit of a social commentary as well, this time one about how we're controlled by television and sex and how it leads to violence and death in a strange apocalyptic vision of mind-control through the television (which symbolizes what technology and television is doing to us in the real world), etc. etc. blah blah blah but the message is terribly heavy-handed and not all that interesting. Quiet honestly, I was bored bored bored with this movie. I found James Woods irritating. The sex between him and Debby Harry was moreso just creepy than sexy. I just wanted to shield my eyes and look away. Some of the special fx were silly and laughable. And again, the message was just heavy-handed and not all that interesting--it might be worth exploring in our current reality-tv culture, but even then, still not so much. And for christ's sake, if a giant hole opens up in your stomach, perhaps you should NOT JAM A GUN IN THERE.

High Points: There were a couple moments of creepy good special fx. But that really was about it.



Overall: Get The Brood or The Fly instead. They are far superior Cronenberg horror flicks.

Grade: D

The Terror

I have been royally busy the last few weeks and was ashamed to realize yesterday that I haven't reviewed or watched a horror flick in three whole weeks. *Bending over for a spanking*

So last night, I dragged out my Horror Classics: 50 Movie Pack and decided to watch The Terror...



--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: An officer in the army finds that he's accidentally strayed off from the rest of the army. Trying to find his way back, he stumbles across a mysterious woman who speaks little but ends their interaction by walking into the crashing waves of the ocean. Intrigued, he attempts to discover her identity, leading him into intrigue and mystery involving a baron and his young, dead wife.

Scariness factor: So not scary. Though there WAS a good (though campy) bloodied-eye scene thrown in there, very reminiscent of Hitchcock's The Birds.

Gross-Out Factor: Again--bloodied eyeballs. That's about it.

Complaints: I picked this movie out of the bunch because it was directed by Roger Corman, had a young Jack Nicholson in it as well as Boris Karloff, and also had the uncredited directing help of Jack Nicholson, as well as Francis Ford Coppola. All of which was very much intriguing, as it would be to any film-nerd, really. But I was sorely disappointed. The movie was at best just really really boring. I didn't care about the characters at all. I really didn't care what the deal was with the mystery woman. And they tried to throw in a twist-ending, but really, it just didn't make much sense. And it wasn't even campy enough to redeem its boringness. *Sigh*

High Points: The dude getting his eyes pecked out by a falcon. Rock on! There were a couple other brief but good scenes as well, but they were few and far between. One was just a nice shot of the mysterious woman in a foggy graveyard. The other was when the old nutbag lady caught fire. Other than that, it was just damn slow.


(Yeah, that's Jack Nicholson on the right.)
Overall: This is the first really bad movie of the pack that I've seen so far. Stick to the other campier and fun ones I've reviewed--you're better off.

(I just noticed that Patrick reviewed this as well, and I'm happy to say that apparently we were on the same wavelength.)

Grade: D