Thursday, October 09, 2008

The Eye (2008)

--Reviewed by Lindy Loo

Plotline: A woman, blinded in her youth, becomes the recipient of an eye transplant. As her eyes adjust and she begins to see strange things, she must call into question whether they are just a matter of her brain rewiring itself to understand sight or something to be very very afraid of.

Scariness factor: The original: creepy as hell. (Perhaps I will rewatch this season since it looks like I have yet to review it here). This one: not so much.

Gross-Out Factor: Fairly minimal.

Complaints: We get it, Jessica Alba. You are hot. I am not one of those girls who is so insecure that I'm gonna waste my time snarking about you when really, I'm just secretly jealous of your hotness. I don't even LIKE girls in that way, but I will freely admit that if you came onto me on the subway, I would take you back to my place. In a second. You are luscious and divine. Every boy in the world wants to do you. Most girls probably do too, if they'd just be honest with themselves. All that being said and done, this movie read more like a new "Jessica Alba is Hot" sitcom than it did a good creepy horror flick. Oh, look at how cute Jessica Alba is being so extremely normal! There she is, eating ice cream out of a tub, just like a Regular Girl! So endearing! Oh, look at Jessica Alba as THE world's most HOTTEST blind chick you've EVER seen! Oh, look at Jessica Alba in THE most RIDICULOUS gratuitous shower scene you've ever seen! I must pause here, as this one warrants a bit more commentary. I'm an advocate of the gratuitous shower-scene. It is a fun and silly trope of slasher films, the inexplicable and unnecessary footage of some hot chick showering in the middle of the movie. It always makes me grin. BUT THIS IS NOT A SLASHER FILM. This is a film that was TRYING to be all intense and serious. So good god, people: 90 seconds of a) Alba, muted out by the shower door, her curves and flesh still ABUNDANTLY apparent, and then b) Alba toweling herself off and dressing, WITH INEXPLICABLE CLOSE-UPS ON HER TAUT STOMACH AND OTHER SEXY FLESHY PARTS--unnecessary! Honest to god--there was NO REASON to have this scene in there. None. If there were an award for "THE Most Unnecessary and Gratuitous Shower Scene EVER," this would be taking that baby home IMMEDIATELY. Enough about Alba (though clearly this movie is just a vehicle to show her off for 90 minutes). Moving on to OTHER qualities that make this movie one of the most RIDICULOUS remakes of a truly fantastic film... The special fx blow. The creepy shadow people BLOW (I mean, they fricking look like dark versions of those stupid alien designs that were popular in the '90s):

The therapist: WTF?! He is like THE worst therapist EVER. He basically yells at Alba all through the film--good therapy work, buddy! The scary moments weren't scary at all. The credits have some horribly lame 1980s-esque lame-ass song playing over them. OH! And Alba--of course--saves some dude from getting hit by a fricking bus in the first 2 minutes of the movie. Apparently this is to demonstrate how fine-tuned all her other senses are, but COME ON. Seriously??? SERIOUSLY??? OH! SO ANGRY!

High Points: Getting to watch Jessica Alba look hot. And look absolutely amazing in a really pretty yellow dress at the end of the movie. And that's pretty much it.

Overall: Wow. So so so so bad. If I was like the Incredible Hulk of horror films, I would right now be turning green and bulging out of my shirt with furious anger at having my time wasted like this. GO RENT THE ORIGINAL. Really. THAT is a good and creepy flick that will scare your SOCKS off.

Grade: D

Oh, and PS: Just because you're blind doesn't automatically mean you have cloudy eyes, especially when your eyes were functional and not cloudy before. Fucktards.



At 6:53 PM, Blogger Seabird said...

I've heard that this is a VERY stupid movie from some people. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 21, and they're usually right. USUALLY...

And original? I didn't know there was one. *Gets slapped by horror buffs everywhere.*

Figures. Asian horror films are always much better than our remakes.

At 11:52 PM, Blogger Joanne said...

I have no desire to ever see this film - period. Great rant about Jessica though. I can't stand the chick. And, no - that's not my way of implying I'm jealous of her.

At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thoughts in your review are the exact reason I refuse to watch this movie. I had a sneaking suspicion this movie was just an excuse to show off Alba.

Plus, I did watch the original and it is pretty creepy!

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

My review of Creepshow is finally up, and I have linked to your post.

Thanks for participating!

At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My pleasure! Dig the blog!


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