How Philosophical Enlightenment Takes Place

-or-

The Evolutionary Development of Zombies: Why Old-School Zombies Move So Slow

(As Discussed on Patrick's Final Day of Work)

L: HAPPY LAST DAY!

P: Thank you!! :)
I just loaded my box o' crap into the car. I just gotta clean my desk and I am ready to go :)

L: rock on. i am so ridiculously excited for you, though it shall (of course) be boring here without ya.

P: I dunno, I hear they are hiring a monkey with rabies, which should reasonably recreate the Patrick Coleff work experience.

L: ha ha ha. excellent.
hm. though maybe it'll be some super-hot fellow--like maybe brad pitt will suddenly become unfamous and move to cleveland. in which case, i'd still be sad to see you go--NOT!

P: Well, Dawn and I were talking and we really thought that Rob Zombie would be an excellent choice (despite his crappy movie making skills). He might not be hot, but I think he's destined for a life of legal publishing, if he followed his heart.
I hear tale they might get another 3rd floor person again. Who knows. They are hiring someone to replace me (which they don't always do, they never hired anyone to replace the crazy Russian lady, whe she left)..but no word on who/what it will be.

L: oooh. if not ROB zombie then maybe just A zombie! i mean, it WOULD be fitting, giving the state of mind each one of us gets to here on a daily basis.

mmmmmmm brains.

P: Getting an actual zombie would ROCK!
It would like eat a few brains each morning, surf the 'net for awhile, answer e-mail, eat some more brains, work a bit, surf some more, eat some more brains on the way out.
I bet he wouldn't even get fired either.

L: ha ha ha ha. that's classic. if adam still had that quote-board he was collecting quotes on, that would SO deserve a space on there.

P: Thank you :)
Maybe if you're lucky, he'll make you a zombie too. I think you'd make a very good zombie. The only problem is:
if you were a zombie, would that make it okay, or would be unable to control yourself eating meat or would you be the first vegetarian zombie? eating all hearts of palm such

L: hmmm. good and deep question. well, let us think of (whipping nerd-self knowledge out) angel from buffy and how he was able to control (for a good long time at least) his blood-drinkage. perhaps i would be able to do the same, but with human flesh. but then again, would that just cause me to kick the bucket? deep thoughts.

P: Hrm..could a zombie survive on veggies alone? And Angel drank animal blood (just not human), so that doesn't count, as you wouldn't be able to drink animal blood either.
Maybe it would be like 28 Days, where you'd go all rabid and shit from not feeding. That would be extra cool.

L: heh heh. although, perhaps the moral dilemma would be lessened by the fact that in order to feed, i could rip apart some of the not-so-nice folks who work here, limb to limb, and tear apart their innards. if that were the case, i might just "accidentally" let my zombie nature slip once in a while.

P: SO, if you became a flesh-eating zombie, you would, in fact, let the veggie thing slip. Interesting... ;)

L: as long as i'm not harming precious little animals. i mean, people can DEFEND themselves, you know--so it'd be a fair fight.

P: Even if you're a super-strong immortal zombie?
not much of a fair fight

L: that's what shotguns and chainsaws are for. =) think of how MUCH it would SPICE UP the workplace, ya know!

P: I dunno, I think everyone here is too wimpy. They'd just scream and run around like little girls.

L: which would totally spice up the place as well. =)

P: "work was so boring until Lauren became a zombie and starting eating brains. Since then, it's been exciting!"

L: exactly. that sounds like a commercial for it or something. people will be FLOCKING to work here.

P: Yea, the new logo would become a picture of your rotting face, covered in blood.

L: heh heh heh. awesome. with a bloodied and disembodied hand in my mouth?

P: That might be a bit of a wide shot for a logo.
that can be on the homepage.

L: damn.

now i'm looking FORWARD to you leaving! that's just not RIGHT somehow! =)

P: It could be animated and everything

L: *wetting self with excitement*
oh wait. first we have to get the damn zombie HIRED, and then i have to get him to ATTACK me, etc. we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. so, hmmm, which zombie should we petition for--the dude with the smashed skull from DAWN OF THE DEAD, the baby zombie from DEAD ALIVE (which has to be old enough to work by now), or one of those new, smarter zombies from LAND OF THE DEAD?

P: Well, you need to ask yourself:
which one do I want to be attacked by?
which one will result in the zombie effect that is most *me*?
I mean, with Dawn of the Dead, you're getting the slow zombie thing. Not exactly choice, BUT, their attacks are decidedly less brutal than say the latter zombies, so you'll be most likely left to rise again in one piece.
Dead Alive, a minor bite can bring in it, so you're looking at a relatively painless process (don't have to actually die and all). The downside being the more drastic physical transformation. Plus, you might turn into a huge nekkid monster with a easily-accessibly womb and saggy tits. There's that chance there.
Land of the Dead I, lamely, have not seen.
So which zombie fits *you*?

L: hmmm. well, i was thinking like a JASON LEE zombie or something might be nice--but that would be too difficult: i'd have to find another zombie to INFECT jason lee, then get the jason lee zombie to apply here, then help get him hired, and THEN have him transform me into a zombie. a bit too complicated--though it would be worth getting infected by a foxier zombie perhaps. so right now i'm actually thinking maybe a 28 days later zombie might be fun--they're much creepier, and if i'm gonna waste my time BEING a zombie, i wanna be a creepy scary one.

P: You do that when Jason Lee becomes all zombie like, he will probably be much less hot? I mean, no zombie is attractive, even if they were in life. So, you'd be soiling a perfectly hot person and making him ugly. Probably not good.
Yea, if you were 28 days zombie, you'd be quick, which is good.
Hey, did you ever see Shaun of the Dead?

L: yeah, hee hee. i actually kind of liked it.
and true--but by then I'D be a zombie; so in zombie-land, jason lee would be a HOT zombie.

P: Oh, I loooved Shaun of the Dead.
Wow, you're right! I hadn't thought about the fact you'd be going on a zombie hierachy of hotness, instead of regular.
He probably wouldn't be interested in shagging though, unless he was a Dead Alive zombie.

L: not true. perhaps romero and all the other zombie creators just had the decency to not SHOW the zombies shagging.
hmm. intriguing now because this calls up OTHER questions as well, such as DO ZOMBIES SHIT AND PISS? they are consuming flesh which i'd imagine the body must process the way it does OTHER things, so i'd imagine so. but then WHY only human flesh? why not just regular old meat then to sustain themselves?

P: Oh, hold on, the Dawn of the dead remake, there was a zombie baby too! Oh, wait, that lady wasn't a zombie when they shagged, shoot. I still think zombies don't shag. too interested in brains.
I always thought zombies ate human flesh partially as revenge/jealousy thing. They *could* eat any meat, but they eat humans because they are jealous since humans are alive, while they are not. So, they attack humans so they don't have to look upon people having what they can not.

L: intriguing. i guess that would make sense. though do zombies have enough THOUGHT to actual reason through that logic? or do they just rip apart and consume anything that happens to be around? i mean, if a zombie got turned into a zombie in the grocery store, you think he/she might just pause to consume a few bloody chickens in the meat department or something?

P: I do think a zombie might, if hungry enough, eat a few chickens (though, more than likely, they'd go for the red meat).. I don't think zombies consciously think "I am jealous of them having what I do not", but jealousy is rarely a well thought out thing. I think it's a feeling they get, even if they don't know WHY, they have it, you know?

L: very very intriguing.
so do you THINK that they shit and piss and stuff too?

P: That's a good question, 'cause if they *didn't*, it would mean their digestive systems, in fact, assimilate ALL that they eat, no waste. So it would be the most efficient digestive system EVER. Seeing as how they're dead and falling apart, I sincerely doubt they would be advanced like that. I'd, in fact, go the opposite. I think they shit and piss *all the time*, which would definitely tie into the ravenous hunger thing (since they're not fully digesting their food). I think a zombies pants are permantly filled with poop and pee (hence the shuffle)

L: ha ha ha. nice. so that explains why the old-school zombies couldn't move too fast. i always fricking wondered about that! also explains why they STINK so bad...

P: exactly!
It's the perfect explanation.
But it doesn't explain newer zombie, who move faster.

L: well, perhaps zombie evolution made it so they're better able to process the human flesh and so they don't shit and piss themselves quite so much. man, this is all making sense.

P: (this is like the most apt way for us to spend my last day at work, talking about zombie physiology ;)
But you think they do still go the restroom? they just learned how to "hold it"?

L: heh heh heh. so true.
and hm. i dunno. maybe their systems are just more advanced so the body is better able to absorb most of it, so they don't shit and piss themselves QUITE so much. the zombies who've been around the block a few times are probably the slightly slower of the fast ones--slightly caked in their own shit and thus not able to move those ass-cheeks quite fast enough.

P: That's true, it would explain why, originally, in Night of the Living Dead, they moved sooo slow and how now they move *much* faster (unrelated to poop, though I still haven't seen it, apparently in the new Romero film, they actually learn how to use tools, like guns, which is kinda weird).

L: see. it all makes sense and all hearkens back to darwin. =)

P: Darwinian Zombies?

L: exactly.
what a fricking enlightening morning!